Reckoning

2009-07-05T20:12:33Z

I'm not accustomed to sharing personal matters online, but I want to relate this story because what I have experienced can occur in any relationship of any kind. That is, if you are ever in conflict with a friend, or lover or spouse, and find yourself thinking, "Is this abuse? I think this is abuse..." - it most likely is, and you should find help immediately and get out, by whatever means necessary. There is absolutely no excuse to put up with abuse, and every reason in the world to spare yourself from it.

I should make it clear at this point that "Sam" never physically hurt me - I was aware all the while that he had anger issues, but I never thought our situation would degrade to the point of physical violence. Nevertheless, we came pretty damn close, and that notwithstanding, I still endured months of emotional and psychological abuse, which can be as debilitating as physical wounds. Sam and I had many arguments in which he manipulated my emotions, causing me to second-guess my sanity, and most significantly, to fear his temper.

I never believed I would find myself in this situation - an abusive relationship. After all, I am an independent, rational, college-educated woman. I grew up in a loving family environment. Perhaps I've never been what you'd call "successful" in relationships, but I've tried to learn from my mistakes. I've always considered myself to be rather self-aware. Ironically, it seems all these factors left me more susceptible to this abuse. In the midst of it I would just think to myself, "This can't really be happening, I would never allow myself to be abused?!"

Indeed, when it started, the experience was so foreign to me that I was sure I was wrong. I was misunderstanding. I was mistaken.

I had known Sam as an acquaintance for several years. We first met in 2004, and had maintained a friendly, if distant, online correspondence ever since. This past winter, our friendship became more intense, and quickly transformed into a romantic relationship (have you ever even heard of a December-May romance? But I digress...). I found him very easy to talk to, understanding and sympathetic. He was very creative and charismatic. At first I thought he displayed intense bravery in self-expression, but learned later that this affectation, merely a mask behind which to hide his psychological impotence and immaturity.

In the beginning, he was living in another state, and drove up frequently to visit. Eventually these visits became longer and longer, to the extent that we were practically living together, despite never discussing cohabitation, per se. I had my doubts about this situation, but for my part, I never established firm boundaries. When I did finally speak up, Sam dismissed me out of hand, and said I needed to be more open. This was Big Flaming Red Flag Numero Uno.

It soon became apparent that Sam and I had very different ideas as to what relationship roles entailed, but again, we never really had a conversation about building our relationship. He wanted it grow "organically", but all the while he was violating boundaries and breaking trusts like the proverbial bull in a china shop. Whenever I tried to talk to him about how he was making me or my friends uncomfortable, his reaction was so vehemently to the contrary that I felt it was just easier to drop the subject and roll with it. This tact, obvious now upon this writing, should have been Big Flaming Red Flag Numero Dos.

At the time, everything was in such rosy soft-focus/Barbara Walters-interview mode that I basically saw said flags, and said, "Ooh, shiiinyyy! Hey, what's this other thing...?" and moved on.

Yeah...so thus I continued on my merry way. He tried on several occasions to alienate me from my friends, but fortunately he did not succeed. I may have been sympathetic with him to a fault, but when it came to my friends, I drew a line that I was able to hold firm. However, living under the same roof, it was hard to find a time to clear my head. It took me so long to realize the adverse effects he was having on my life because he always around. It took me almost six months to finally see the big picture.

During those months, he barely socialized with his own friends, and was unable (read: unwilling) to find work in Knoxville. He basically spent most of his days in my apartment, surfing the Internet, painting pictures, and reading all the books in my library (Ah, the life of the "starving artist" - if only you can find some sucker to put you up). When I tried to talk to him about finding work, which despite the down economy is still very possible in Knoxville if you're able and willing to do unskilled labor - he would become visibly uncomfortable and complained that he couldn't find anything, and that most jobs tended to quash his artistic drive (I know, I know - *facepalm*, rinse, repeat...). But it's in my nature to be sympathetic, and I went through a similar employment dry spell a couple of years ago, around Xmas time no less, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Arguments with Sam were exhausting, tortuous affairs. I used to think this was because he was willing to talk and work through things. Actually we were just going over the same points over and over again, and he was so unrelenting, that I'd finally give in, if only to have some peace. Sam could transition seamlessly from the reasonable, creative, charismatic man I first fell for to this reactionary, petulant brute whom I barely recognized. His temper was so mercurial, I hardly knew whom I was dealing with most of the time. He often seemed, quite literally, of two minds over most things.

When I could get away long enough to clear my head a little, I found myself thinking of my mom. What would she think of this situation? What would she say if she knew I was putting up with him? I realized I knew damn well that she'd be upset, and that she'd tell me to get the hell away from him. As time went on, I could invoke her voice in my imagination, and it gave me the strength to stand up to him. Our relationship quickly began to deteriorate, once I started calling him on his shit.

Several weeks ago Sam and I had a pretty intense row, and this time his temper was truly off the charts. He stalked around the apartment, screaming and spitting in my face. When I tried to walk away to defuse the situation, he followed me and trapped me in the bedroom, and then nearly put his fist through the wall. It was at that moment I realized he was capable of turning his fists on me.

This revelation was one of the most difficult of my life, but it also made it much easier to let him go. It was the wake-up call I needed to finally release myself from his manipulation and move on. I have never been so happy to lose something. I could finally acknowledge that his treatment of me was wrong and undeserved, and let it go. I regret only that I wasn't able to see it sooner.

Right up until the bitter end, he insisted that the problem was with my reactions, rather than his actions. He never accepted one iota of responsibility. He came to pick up the last of his things last weekend (most of which he had brought into my apartment without my foreknowledge, much less my permission), and even as he was leaving he said that he could not fathom what he had done to make me so angry, but he was sorry...that I "felt that way." I almost laughed in his face. Careful there, you almost made an actual apology! But I just smiled, and said goodbye for the last time. I know that I will never again have to argue with him or fear him. Nor will I ever again allow that kind of treatment into my life. I am free.

I pity Sam, I do. But my pity doesn't have to leave me open to his deception. I know that if the day ever comes when he finally understands what he did, then he will truly know heartbreak and regret. He had the gift of my love and he not only wasted it, he spurned it. When that day comes, he will realize that I was the brightest light he has ever seen in his life. I don't wish this pain upon him, but I hope that when it happens, he can finally overcome his ego and accept responsibility for his actions. I hope he can learn to love himself, and then, find love. I have learned that you cannot have the latter without the former.

This post is fast becoming a book, so I'll end here for now. In case you're interested, I'm going to re-post this to my site Blogger.

Thank you for reading, and please feel free to share this with anyone you think it may help. Let them know they are loved.

Namaste,
Lady Grayce

Grayce Undyr Fyre

Reckoning